Working the Zombie Period

We are both particularly blessed in our work. The Spousal Unit works from home as an Information Technology Manager. Basically, he's like Tank from The Matrix, reading the codes, making sure his teammates can dodge bullets.

This sometimes makes me jealous when I think of how comfortable pajamas are, and how nice it would be to be able to mine for the odd nostril-clinger without restraint. There's nothing so embarrassing as flaring your nostrils at the mirror in your office, Kleenex in hand, when someone walks in to meet with you. It's so awkward. You just have to muddle through the meeting, but you both know what they saw. You both know.


I am a Senior Executive Director (sounds fancier than it is) in the largest senior healthcare company. I spend my days working with crazy people a lot like Sybil or Dorey the Bluefish. Together, these crazys and I take good care of those with Alzehimer's and related dementia. I genuinely love the work I do and the people I work with. We are truly a family - we may be the Addams family, but we're a family just the same. Somehow or another, I am their fearless leader; their Gomez Addams. How could I leave them?

Perhaps I'm conflicted by some misguided, misplaced paternal instinct. Leadership, I imagine, must not be that different from fatherhood. I teach and guide them, defend and protect them, pick them up when they fall, and help them believe in their ability to accomplish more than they expect of themselves. Occasionally, they throw up or dump their poop on me (verbally at least). They are important people in my life. Thankfully, everyone is potty-trained, or really good at hiding the fact that they aren't.

When planning for the initial portion of the transition to parenthood, the Spousal Unit and I discussed each taking a bit of time off from work. At first, I wondered how I would be away from work; how I would leave them unattended. What would people think? Is it normal? Will my bosses treat me weird?

Then I come to my senses and realize that everyone's poop will still be there, and that if need be I can help everybody get their poop in a group again upon my return. After all, I do have more sick-time than god. They'll survive, and so will I. Besides, according to my research, no amount of coffee will remedy the harrowing sleep deprivation that will undoubtedly turn us into zombies scrambling to find our brains as we inadvertently stir formula into our morning beverage, fall asleep while peeing and dream of the day child-safe sleep aides will be invented.

Being away until we get into a groove just makes sense. No. No one wants to see their fearless leader with bags under his eyes so bad that Louis Vuitton wants to brand them. To allow sufficient time for the under-eye area to return from my chin, we think 3 or so weeks away will do.


The day is fast approaching. Soon, we'll be learning to sleep for 1-2 hours at a time, make a bottle one-handed, clean vomit out of our hair without having to shower, and the difference between the "poop all the way up the front cry" and the "I'm just going to scream for no good reason until you question your sanity cry". We'll give. She'll take. Period. And we'll LOVE every gruesome, messy, poopy, cranky, puking, alarm going off 5 seconds after having fallen asleep, whining, diaper-buying minute of it!

11 Questions, 11 People

Greetings Earthlings! With a few minutes to sit and type, I thought it wise to carpet the "M". For those of you that don't know, that's Aladdin for "seize the day". So let's get this party started.

On Saturday, a bit of sunshine visited my email inbox. Really. Apparently, people actually read, or at least attempt to read, the cerebral incontinence I have made a habit of recording here. Those same people have nominated me for a "Sunshine Award". It's a bit more like a public outlet for a chain letter than an actual award, and given the rules of acceptance, it should eventually be passed to everyone that keeps a blog on the subject of adoption, much like that weird Christmas present you plan to re-gift that will no doubt be re-gifted dozens of times.

Still, I feel special just the same. Knowing that my journey has meaning for someone other than myself makes me feel ever-so-slightly less like that homeless guy we saw on the sidewalk at the gas station shouting "HEY" at himself over and over again. Poor sod. Why do crazy people have to let their hair get like that?!? If I had to fashion a cutting tool from empty tin cans, make styling product from puddles of motor oil, and wash my hair in a urinal, I would have good hair, but I digress.

The award asks a series of 11 questions to which I am to provide answers. Then, I'm supposed to pass the award on by nominating 11 other bloggers and composing 11 questions for them to answer. This places me squarely amid a presumably peculiar predicament. See, I don't read anyone else's blog. Perhaps I'll start, so long as it doesn't interfere with my hair. In the meantime, I'll track down a handful of other people's blogs that pique my interest and nominate them.

On to the questions they've asked:

1)Name a favorite memory from your childhood that you want to have with your child.

Cardboard. That's the name I would give the memory. I couldn't tell you where it came from, but I remember being very little and my mother helping us to make a house out of the cardboard box a refrigerator came in. We cut a door and windows with shutters. We drew shrubs and flowers on the front, made curtains out of paper towels, and had a smaller box inside for a table with milk crate chairs. 

What strikes me about the memory is that we had plenty of toys to play with. It wasn't that we lacked or wanted for anything, just that she wanted to play with us. Thanks to her valuable play-lessons, I am prepared to live style and comfort even if all I've got is a box.    

2)What is your favorite movie and what does it mean to you?

Until recently, this would have been a very straight-forward answer. Now, this is tied between "What Dreams May Come" and "Cloud Atlas". Both have a very similar existential message: we create ourselves through the eyes of others, and it is in the reflection of love in those eyes that we live forever. 

3)What is the parenting moment you are most looking forward to?

The parenting moment I am most looking forward to is the Spousal Unit getting shit, pee, or puke in the face. Quite honestly, I'm most looking forward to seeing him grow into Papa. We both believe the greatest give we will ever give the little miss is our love for each other and for her. It is possible to divide this kind of love and it not be lesser.

4)What is your first childhood memory?

My earliest childhood memory would be me, in tighty-whiteys and a giant over-sized t-shirt that hung to my ankles, recounting how I'd caught a fish bigger than my dad's to a living room full of my parents guests. Or, being asked by my mother after getting home from kindergarten where I'd learned the word, "fuck", and why I would tell a girl "fuck you" because she stole my dump-truck in the sandbox. 

5)How did you meet your significant other?

Significant is a strong word. I prefer Spousal Unit. It encompasses everything. Let's face it, a spouse should be EVERYTHING; and he is. Sometimes he makes me all squishy and emotive. Other times he validates my theory that under the right circumstances, anyone can have homicidal thoughts. Sometimes, he rocks my world, other times, he is my rock.

We met through friends at a movie night. He was 19, I was 21. We both smoked, because of course canary-yellow teeth were fashionable then. I was actually recovering from surgery and having difficulty reaching for the ashtray. He jumped up from across the room and grabbed it for me, put it in my hand, and then sat next to me. GAWD! How Jerry Springer does that sound nearly 14 years later?

6)What has been your favorite adoption moment so far?

Seeing her face and hearing her heartbeat on 3D/4D ultrasound.

7)What is the best advice you have gotten about adoption?

The best advice we've been given came from a 82yo woman who raised two adopted children. Both had problems, both turned out just fine and very successful. She said, "Just remember. People will tell you adopted children are different from biological children. Those people have typically never raised an adopted child. They will have problems, just like any child, and just like any child you just love them. Love them, love them, love them, and everything will be all right".

8)What makes you laugh?

I laugh hardest when someone falls, bangs their toe, or is startled or spooked. Sorry if that makes me sadistic.

9)What have you been doing to prepare for the day you adopt?

Read my blog and find out.

10) What is the last book you have read?

At present I'm about half-way through "Brain Rules for Baby" by John Medina. I'm kind of a neuroscience buff.

11) What scares you the most about raising a child?

Boys.

That's it. My 11 questions answered. Stay tuned for our next episode where we discuss telepathy and labor laws. Now I'm off to find 11 people to Sunshine (kind of sounds like the opposite of mooning someone).